dazed, but no longer confused...

We've all heard that everything happens for a reason, and while I believe this to be mostly true, it offers little consolation to the soul of one suffering through hardship.  We've all probably said this to a friend during their trying time, and we've all been told this by a friend during ours.  Think about it... when you said it to someone else, you totally believed it, didn't you?  But when someone said it last to you, the hope was a bit more murky, and the sentiment seemed more diluted, right?
I said those words to a friend tonight, and when I did, I thoroughly believed them.  She is bright, smart, full of love, and has a beautiful heart.  She is on a bumpy road, and I know that she'll be fine and that the bumps in her road are just preparing her, and teaching her.
After I left her I reflected on the times I'd hit rough patches, and the times I'd thought and been told everything happens for a reason in my recent history.  I recall having thought "Yah, but what the ---- is the reason?!" Or "When will I know what that reason was, and what am I supposed to have learned from this experience." I have found myself so discouraged and frustrated at not having those answers immediately (or even 3 years later).
Tonight, some of those answers came to me.  As I walked on the beach, the smell of the ocean, the sound of the crashing waves, the cool breeze on my face, and the weight of my solitude combined in perfect measure to open my eyes.  I was reminded that despite where I've been, what I've done, or what I've suffered, I am in the perfect place, surrounded by people who are perfect for me, and that it all happened for a reason.  I may not have all the answers to questions starting with "why", but I do have answers for important questions.  I am excited about where I am, and where I am going; and my experiences (trials, hardships, failures, triumphs, and successes) have been the perfect learning experience for me.
I was reminded that God is still in charge, and I find happiness proportionate to the degree to which I turn my life over to him.
There is a powerful loneliness born of loss that breeds pain and eventually apathy.  I am thankful that I am not terribly apathetic just yet.    More to learn, more to experience, more to love. I'm excited for the next chapter.

tipping the scales...

I am feeling very grateful today, and I'm wondering if there is some kind of imbalance in the world.  I feel like I've been given so much, and there must be someone, somewhere who has so little...
Somewhere, maybe there is a man who does not have good friends, because mine are amazing.  Somewhere, possibly there is a man who goes hungry at times, because my belly is often full.  Somewhere there could be a man who does not have children, because I have two beautiful girls.  Somewhere a man might suffer with pain or illness, because I have a healthy and functioning body.  Somewhere there could be a man lost in the dark, while I feel surrounded by light.  Somewhere, it is likely there is a man without family, because my large family is incredible.
Somewhere there are men without homes, clothes, water, clarity of mind, wholeness of soul.  Somewhere there are men without love.  I have all of these in abundance.  And I am grateful for all of them, and for the imbalance that I do not understand.
I am grateful that men don't always get what they deserve, because I have far far more than I deserve.  I hope today to balance things out in some way, by finding someone who has a dearth, and give him from my abundance.

kiss and make up...

Chuck Liddell:  Hey Rich, sorry about breaking your arm.

Rich Franklin:   It's ok Chuck, sorry about ending your career.

thanks Geoff Pierce

the littles...

There are two little girls that look just like me.  They have smiles that light up the room and are as contagious as a yawn, just like me.  They both have hazel eyes, though the green in Drea's eyes beat out the brown just a bit more than in Kira's eyes, just like me. Kira loves sports and music, just like me.  Drea loves to laugh and cuddle, just like me.

One is also clever, creative, and wise way beyond her short years, unlike me.  One is so loving, accepting, and fun, unlike me.  They both are so free, and give their hearts away so easily, unlike me.

But they both love God, just like me.  And they pray for our family, just like me.  And they'd rather hang out, play guitar, sing, and snuggle together more than anything else, just like me.

There are two little girls who have the best parts of me in them, and a lot more they got from somewhere else... they call me Daddy.

dear truck...

You know, girls used to like me... for me...

...when I had a truck.

The two girls pictured here still like me.

...but only because I promised to buy them another truck.

dear bunny...

Mr. Rabbit, you and I have something in common.  This morning, when we awoke, I am betting neither of us thought that you would be smashed by my truck tire later today.
Rest in peace.  Hope you weren't the Easter Bunny or my kids are going to be pissed.

tragedy always strikes in 3's...

This is a sad reminder that there just isn't a right way to do a wrong thing.  And these guys have to be brothers, because there's no way 3 sets of parents all hate their son this much.



These guys performed at the same "talent" show that my daughter did.

amazing...

The best part of this I didn't get on camera.  It was right after this, when she ran off stage into the audience to tackle/hug me.

feeling it today again

I found this entry in an old journal.  The entry is from July 2 years ago.  I find myself amazed at how it mirrors the way I'm feeling today.  


I am grateful today...

For good friends.  For those whom in the past came to me to have their candles lit from my fire. And that when my candle went out, they came to my rescue and re-lit mine. 
I'm grateful for small hands that can hold a phone, and small voices that say "I love you daddy." I'm grateful for long distance smiles, and giggles that melt me no matter how many miles are between us. I'm grateful for technology that bridges the gap between their little hearts and mine.
I'm grateful for family and friends who know me, and love me anyway. For good literature, and for all the negative that reminds me of all that is positive. 
I'm grateful for girls that are completely out of my league.  I'm grateful that they don't know it.
I'm grateful for goodness, beauty, and light. For the way [she] completely embodies all three. 
I'm grateful that I can't see the shadows when I look to the sun, and how when I look to the light, I see you standing there.


To add a few more contemporary items:
I'm grateful for those strong enough to carry me when I am weak, and those who remind me of my strength when I forget.
I'm grateful for music.  I'm grateful for my guitar.  I'm grateful that my girls love when I play them music.
I'm grateful for discomfort and that it drives me to pursue better things.  I'm grateful that I know what those better things are.
I'm grateful for family and for the opportunity to remind them of that. And I'm grateful for friends who may never know just how much they've done for me. 

get to know... Cameron Rafati

I have the good pleasure of knowing this guy personally.  If you don't know his music.  Go to Cameronrafati.com, and become familiar.  He's not just a fantastic singer songwriter, but a really cool guy. AND, his song "1 in 10" is not only one of my favorite songs BY him... but one of my favorite songs by anyone.  You've also got to hear "Dirty Conversation", "Mausoleum", and "53rd Story".  (<-- amazing song)